Not a great day at work
It’s going to be a busy day, so I’m going to spend a chunk of it quietly. See how I can handle Orientation along with everything else. Try not to get mad about things at work. Just do the job.
I hate what work does to me. I refuse to let myself become a crush of problems. I just want to do the job.
Jobs are ways to have insurance and money. This one isn’t even insurance. It’s just money. So the question is: what do I want to it do for me, not what can I do for it?
I’ll do the job as you ask me. I’ll do the things you want me to do, the way you want me to do them. But I’m not going to sacrifice my life for this job.
I don’t even know what I want my life to be anymore. I have my small life. Do I want to have more? Why? Why not?
This job is resources and abilities. That’s all it is. I reject the need for anything else from it. And that makes me bitter. And that makes me feel safe.
I don’t know what projects this place really needs from me.
The project I’m working on is: how to find what I find pleasure in, not what makes people feel good. What happens when people touch my body? What makes me feel good and safe?
What makes me feel good and safe?
Later:
Canceled all the good in my life. I don’t want to live a life where I have to remember to drink water, to eat breakfast, to let myself have a few moments alone. I want to live where I can just be healthy. To invite my gratitude to myself.