Quiet
When I’m feeling a little stressed out I resolved that later I can be a little quiet. I write that as a note to myself all the time. I don’t even know that that means for me. What does it mean to live a quiet life?
I get very depressed when there isn’t much going on. When I’m stuck in my brain a little too much. But I also thrive in something that I call active quiet. When I have projects, like poems. Like books to read. Like movies and art. That’s replenishing to me: small little times with friends that are mine to choose from.
That’s another root of it. Quiet means freedom. When I don’t have too much to do. When I can be a little understimulated, but not too understimulated.
Right now, I’m sitting in the office conference room. I’m on my blackbook, the quietest computer (text editor, question answerer, that’s about it). I have the lights off. I’m writing things down on index cards (next week: Jury duty for J. Domming C. A big training Wednesday and Thursday. Not much else.). I have coffee and a bottle of water. I’ve been very busy this week. Stressed out. Today is quiet. Being away from my desk feels like freedom. So it’s a good kind of quiet. No dogs playing. No 20 minute descriptions when 2 minutes would do. Just quiet.
It looks like I’m not busy. I’m not. I’m working, but I’m not busy. Busy is the enemy of good. Busy for busy sake is death. This job does not get my whole life. It gets enough to be good. It’s enough to be quiet.
Tonight will not be quiet. It will be busy, and full of dancing girls, and drinking, and loudness. And I’m ok with that. This is fun. It’s really fun. But it’s not restful. It’s not replenishing. It’s a chore. I have to put on my best Misha Moon face, the kind that doesn’t have aching knees or the smudge of depression. It’s worth doing to have community, but I’ll have to pay it back with quiet in the morning.
Tomorrow I will have a bath. I will listen to the blissful drone of the exhaust fan. I’ll read a book, or some article, or stare off into space. I’ll be quiet. That’s what I mean by quiet. A baptism of rest.